On being voluntarily mute: A dark poetic tale (rated mature)

I wonder what the hippie equivalent of the Hamptons is…I want to go there.

I remember there was a time in my life when I went into hiding. I had a rough life (Army, ridiculous starter marriage, post Army woes) and I wanted to escape so I actually decided to release myself from the burdens of society. I practiced being mute for a while. I just wanted to observe the world - unfiltered by my comments, my ideas, my pain… and so I checked out so to speak. 

It was an interesting period, however lonely it was. I spent a few years in observance of this bi-polar world we have created. Sometimes when you just shut the fuck up, you can actually learn quite a lot.

I traveled during this period. I wrote voraciously too. Perhaps it was my most prolific period of writing. Unfortunately there were a few casualties of this war I had with the world in the way of friendships created and lost. I could only let a few people in. They mostly were fans of my poetry and songs. I did not talk much and so I was forced to communicate through writing –my beautiful creative catharsis.

Among the hundred or so poems circa 2008

I wrote things like…

13^th Hour

I’m afraid of what we’ve become

When all is said and done

55 years of helium hearts

The 13^th hour has finally come

And here we sit deflated

While others pass by berated

My God this plastic town

Has left us all so jaded

Like a bird on a wire waiting

For the winds of change to fly

Entitled to their fabricated monstrosity

In this city far from the sea

Still I wait for you

Still I wish for you to be here

Share with me this pain

I keep locked up inside

the 13^th hour

The end so near to me

The hope of us to be

In the 13^th hour I am free

Anticlimactic epiphany but free

When you were with me here

I felt so alive that the death I see

Became so obsolete

The chokehold of this fake identity

I fear takes me hostage

Still I wait for you

Still I wish for you to be here

Share with me this pain

I keep locked up inside

the 13^th hour

The end so near to me

The hope of us to be

In the 13^th hour I am free

In the 13^th hour I am free

I am free

and this inspired by Oscar Wilde's tale below…

Depraved

The depraved ones

Oh how they fucking feed me

Yes, the deprived of the soul ones

How they breed the lies I tell myself

Yes, the smooth to the touch

The beauty on the surface

the wanton ones they believe

In the me I am selling tonight

I wade through the thick smell

I swim through the thin vale

I coast down the brilliant trail

of the people who all hail me

Come here to me in the dark

Slide by me in your desirous way

Slither the snake of lust to my table

But what I say is all a fable

Toys you are to my childlike mentality

On this night my personality

laced with fermented courage is on display

 in the very worse way

and you love it

Eat up all of the slippery sweet words I dish

and swallow down the rabbit hole

Into oblivious easy obnoxious limbo

because it is not me that is on display here

Some other version of the one you want

Tricky ties that bind the senses into desirous need

The sum of me reduced to a body part

And they will never define who I am

and one more for good measure…

Shakespearean Dumpster Queen

Retreat within

Because they are scheming

If you are not there

There will be no interfering

No lies, no dark and dreary

Smile the mask appearing

Hide the inside

Et tu, Et tu

Not you

Stay true

Sinister manipulation

White trash abbreviation

Elaborate fabrications

Judge me

Fuck me

Trick me

Toss me

Out with the garbage

Out, out with the trash

Flies are better company

Bacteria and all

Even when they crawl

All over relentlessly

Even when they just won’t die

Even the sickness they bring

Even the contamination

Is much better than you

No problem with leaving

I am a pro at it

Travel light

Walk right

Into the night

Into the beautiful night

Once more breach the ego

Once more letting go

Dumpster diving is all I know

Retreat so the rats won’t follow

Obviously it was a dark time... I am moving on now from that. I am in the transitional period of coming out of hiding and into a more public setting. The two worlds I speak of are night and day. I want to believe I can share what I know from my history to be true in the world and hope I can help anyone who comes into my life to make the leap of faith with me. For now I do not hide my ugliness anymore. A butterfly awaits...

Manila: Can you hear us?

I saw an article today about artists helping to clean the smog out of Manila by using air purifying paint in highway murals and thought about this time in my life.

I had quit my corporate job to be a writer. Once a collector called me from a major credit card company. I asked him where he was calling from. The collector said, "Manila."

I had just joined the revolution and was keen to follow the Occupy Movement and the first words out of my mouth were something like, " I believe the American credit card companies are responsible for the enslavement and degradation of our society and I am through with them, but I don't blame you."

I then proceeded to tell him that I understood he was just doing a job to feed his family and I respect that. Then I told him that I had been to Manila once and I found people to be very cautiously friendly and rightfully so. I also told him I knew they were suffering and that even though Americans for him just stood for a voice on the other end of the line dodging questions... there were people who really knew what was happening to their city and country.

Manila was full of shanty towns - true, but oh so much more. Like smiling faces and warm greetings and dancing and singing karaoke to your hearts content and cold San Miguel Beer.

I told him not to worry. There were people out there in the world who wanted to help them. The light-workers...the poets, the prophets, the sages were uniting!

I remember the kindness in his voice when he said, "I wish there were more people in the world like you."

I told him... there are many.

street-artists-join-the-war-on-manila-smog  ------click here for a fore mentioned article------

Photos by Eric Vladimir De Leon w/ me in Manila -2008

Mustache Mania, Why? :The Soapbox Addition

SOAPBOX Addition: 1

How can you spot a douche bag in Deep Ellum?... they are wearing a fake mustache (thank you for making yourself easier to spot so I can move quickly away from you).

Some Dallas urbanites might disagree with me here, but please put down the fake mustache and get over this bar trend already! As I was sipping my nice cold Shiner at Anvil Pub last weekend I noticed a gang of fake mustache wearing boushie bous sauntering into the bar. One gentleman was wearing a light pink furry pimp hat with a pink mustache, classy bro!

I was actually unaware of this as a trend until I leaned over to my friend and asked ...why?

He explained that it has been around for the last year. What! Are people that bored? I do not get it. Please enlighten me if I am missing something here? In my humble opinion only the boys in Tombstone can get away with this trend. Ever!

Don't get me wrong... I am happy to have some green come into the neighborhood, but when you come here please bring your COOL. If you don't have any COOL...  fake your cool. The locals will appreciate it.

Oh, and get your ass up to the stage area and pay attention while you are at it. It's okay to dance, raise your hands up, raise your voice up and stand up and appreciate these starving artists man! They won't laugh at you, they will applaud you! Musicians appreciate good energy... it brings out their A game:)

Jumping down from Soapbox now... whew! I feel much better.

The time is NOW! The product is complete…and we need your help.

Deep Ellum ON AIR 9/21/11

The time is NOW! The product is complete…and we need your help.

DEOA News Blog Number One:

I am helping to grow an "internet broadcasting company". In my book that is pretty awesome! I am very excited about what we are doing. As the General Manager, I got the DBA, Tax ID and bank account all set and just implemented a sales division. Yay!

In the mean time…internet entertainment is all about number of clicks to the site. In order for Deep Ellum ON AIR to pull in advertisers like Miller Lite, RedBull, 7-Eleven, etc. we need hits to our site. Our goal is 10,000 hits for the month of October!!! S.O.S.

That is where you – our beautiful friends and family come in. We need your help! Please click on any of the links below to watch our best shows. This is our “product” our product is *free* for you! Not for us though … lol  Thus, is the dilemma. We need fans, so we can get numbers (clicks), so we can get advertisers, so we can get money, to advertise online and in magazines.   –click and share—click and share- plz

Our Website:   click here* www.DeepEllumONAIR.com

(All shows are live once a week and can be played at any time for one week until the next show)

Intro into the GREATEST Crew I have ever worked with:

GOING DEEP: THE LOCAL SHOW
Live @ 7PM on Wednesday

Click here: http://deepellumonair.com/goingdeep.html

This show highlights all local music, events and organizations. There are live interviews and music videos as well as live performances. Jedi Jantzen is the amazing host of this show… all music genres are promoted here. He hopes to really support artists without big labels backing them, to give them a voice so they can be heard. Like the title of the show… he goes deep into reasons why these artists do what they do as well as the meaning behind their songs.

 

HUNGOVER WITH V
Live @ 10AM on Monday

Click here: http://deepellumonair.com/hungoverwithv.html

HungOver With V - Hot chick with hot topics! “V” is awesome and is sure to become one of our biggest shows… yummy beverages, adult language, edgy news, all genre music, theater reviews, local cuisine and chefs, alternative news. She is like me… one of the guy’s type girls, but the girls love her too! Jedi is running the board and host is: “V”  -who is now leading our sales division as well. Thus, saving my sanity at the moment!

LOOSE LIPS

Live @ 8PM on Monday

Click Here: http://deepellumonair.com/looselips.html

Loose Lips – is a show that always has a unique edge to it. The last show had the inventor of fried butter for the “Texas State Fair Edition” and it was a riot! Monk, who runs the board for the show is a technical genius and continues to learn more visual ways to appeal to their audience. Hosts are: Monk, T-Hogg, Chris and Yvette –Adult language / all genre music

 

DARK SIDE SPORTS RADIO
Live @ 6PM on Saturday

Click Here: http://deepellumonair.com/darkside.html

By far our funniest show … if you like to laugh then click here! I am serious I feel so lucky that I get to sit on the couch and listen to these guys cut up! They have me laughing so hard I cry! Plus if you love sports they give it to you in the most entertaining way I have ever witnessed! Also, if you do not love sports I guarantee this show will change your mind! Check’em out. Adult language / Hip Hop & Dub Step Music / Great funny segments like “Too G, or Not Too G” and  “Come On Playa”. Hosts are: J.D., Dat Boy Pugh!, Marvino, and Sleeping Bags Ced

 

M.A.R.S.
Live @ 8:30 on Wednesday

Click here: http://deepellumonair.com/mars.html

RAW!!! Seriously…Check out the Potty Mouth Princess, Jazmyn - Hip Hop music and urban news. These guys do not hold back. They have major area artists on all the time, sports figures, spoken word poets, among other guests and continue to push boundaries with their content. Hosts: Chris P, Littles and Jazmyn

D-TOWN REGGAETON TIME

Live @ 8:30PM on Saturday 
Click here: http://deepellumonair.com/reggaeton.html

This is our Spanish/English show… Latin Flavor at its best! They provide hot music to shake yo ass to and major Reggaeton artists fly in from all over the US and Puerto Rico to be on this show. Not to mention that these are some of the most respectful and sweet guys I have ever met personally, which is why I watch even though I cannot understand what they are saying! Lol I know a lot of my friends here in Texas will though… This show is great to put on just before you go out to the club. Pre-party!!! Hosts are: Sexy Nach! and Veterano Uno

FAITH PRAYER TIME MINISTRIES
Live @ 3PM on Saturday

Click here: http://deepellumonair.com/faithprayertimeministries.html

                                                                             

Faith Prayer Time Ministries – this is a very new show. Faith is a kind soul who loves to share the good word with anyone who will listen. She takes call in prayer requests. This is by far our most family friendly show. Okay, maybe our only family friendly show! Faith also has a segment dedicated to reading children’s books to kids. She is a sweet lady with a powerful message. Prayer / Gospel Music / Books -  Host is: Faith

ONE LOVE,

Amberly 

Metal Bands and Jewelry

A most interesting thing occurred last week. I had a very girly get together to host a jewelry trunk show. Mind you, if you really know me then you know that this is definitely not my style. I did it because my best friend of 18 whole years is a budding female entrepreneur and mommy of two beautiful children, and she asked me to.

So I politely obliged with the caveat that there was to be ample booze involved. I knew that most of my compadres would not be there because we are all broke, but with a glimmer of hope in my eye I facebooked the event anyway.

A few great gals showed up and we had some quality girl time for sure. What is interesting about this night was the dichotomy of helping to run Deep Ellum ON AIR and having a metal band from Memphis called This Tragic Day in the studio versus my downstairs get together.

I had to politely excuse myself to go and check out the band I helped bring in from Memphis -dichotomy. Let me set the scene for you. I came from dainty sophistication to enter into the realm of tattooed testosterone and surprisingly it was an easy transition for me. It was cool to know that I could go from mimosas to Jack Daniels, from dresses to wife beaters, from single gal in the city dating fiasco storytelling to sitting on the couch and listening to the heartbreaker lead singer tell tales of life on the road.

I am enjoying my entrance in to radio so much. The behind the scenes- ass busting, number crunching, email checking, advertising sales generating, music and band info sorting adventure is all countered by being able to sit on the couch at the studio and witness the stories and meaning behind the songs and art created by these wonderful people who come into our home. Oh, and laugh my ass off too! Refer to our Dark Side Sports Radio show for humor...I laugh so hard I cry!

The future of radio station ownership holds endless possibilities – what a cool ride!

http://www.deepellumonair.com/

bin Laden - Sheen: It is all the same to me

From a former soldier...Yes, I had to quell my initial urge to be happy about this news of bin Laden and then once I did that, I felt peace because I realized how wrong that happiness was. I was conflicted until I understood that no murder should be heralded.  

When I first got out of the Army, a weapons enthusiast friend showed me a video he found of two American soldiers laughing behind a camera as they  were filming a man with a turban on, running away over a sandy hill - unarmed.  Another soldier carrying an RPG pointed it, aimed and disintegrated the man running away.  I laughed. ...I actually laughed.

And then, I felt like I was going to throw up for laughing at this man. I truly felt sick to my stomach for feeling joy at seeing an unarmed man running through the desert, becoming pink mist before my eyes. That was a pivotal moment in my life. One I will never forget.

One that made me realize the conditioning for survival I went through and how it was just that, a necessary conditioning, and not reality.

 I fought the urge all day to scream:

Oh goodie!!! One more distraction to keep us from questioning, $4.00 average price of gas, 14 trillion dollar debt, 9% unemployment rate, 15 million children in the world dying of hunger each year, 7.6 million dying from cancer each year, countless wars and poverty levels, massive credit card debt,  tornado disasters, wild fires, earthquakes...shall I continue?

Hey, what is Sheen doing these days?

Oops! Back on track earthling… WARNING: these DISTRACTIONS ARE A NECESSARY CONDITIONING to keep you from seeing the reality. This system is broken. Lets move on now.

Said in love…

Look Ma, I thought I saw a hipster! Nah, she’s only half.

I have been on the path to discovering new labels given to people in Deep Ellum. People around me always complain about the “hipsters” in our neighborhood and thus began my search to define what a “hipster” is.

I polled the audience here in my hood and many people had many different opinions on what constitutes a hipster. What I thought to be a hipster turned out to really be a punk person.  

I was a little off the mark apparently. Then when I asked one of our neighborhoods beloved personalities what his definition of a hipster was he told me that I was a BORDERLINE Hipster!!!!

I had such a long good laugh at that one! I had been searching high and low only to discover that the main perception of me was HIPSTER!!! Cracks me up…

My reply was if I am borderline that’s cool because I’m not fully hipster, punk, emo, screamo, goth, nerd whateva …I AM ME …Now maybe I have a borderline personality, but that’s a whole other blog.

This social experiment lasted a few weeks. It’s hard to define people in that way because we are truly unique no matter how hard some people try to fit in. I am glad so many people define hipster in different ways because it proves that labels are a hindrance to acceptance and love.

It’s time to put down our labels and see inside of people. Get past our own clouded perceptions and open our hearts and minds, because we all have the same basic needs for a fulfilling life. Isolation and judgment are not a part of that need.

Said in Love…